Layers created in Procreate, Constructed in Adobe Illustrator
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Growing up consisted of watching movie musical after movie musical with my mom, or performing (and directing) productions in my basement. I seemed to levitate to the strong female leads in these shows, loving each of their unique qualities. It was fun to act all-knowing and cheeky like Mary Poppins, or a little lost but determined like Dorothy. Even now, I still find myself looking for qualities I adore in these types of movies and other media.

Even though at-home was a safe place to indulge in these characteristics, outside was a different story. I was aware that the more feminine qualities I adored in these women weren’t welcome by everyone in my small town, so I often hid those parts of myself away. The one trait I found that was accepted was the wit and humor of these characters, and that is what I shared with the world.

For years in school, drama, etc. I primarily stuck to being the “funny” one. This was exaggerated after I came out, as then I was paired with being the stereotypical “funny gay”. Once I fit into this typecast, it was hard for me to see myself as anything else. As I wandered into my teenage years and straight friends were developing normal teen relationships, I felt that this couldn’t be the case for me as I wasn’t attractive, only funny. No one had really complimented my appearance, other than a “yas queen” from girls to whatever outfit I wore just because I was gay.

It took time and lots of realizations to understand that maybe I was just in the wrong crowd to find the person to see me more like my idols. Fanny Brice in “Funny Girl” learned to see the beauty she had to offer, and maybe so could I. Most people have a hard time finding the beauty on the inside, but I struggled with finding it on the outside. I still struggle, but even today I know that, (on a good day) it can be there. Maybe I’m vain, or maybe I’m human.

-JA